The Official Mojodojo Ginger Policy Part 2: When Gingers are actually useful…
Following the (expected) backlash against our attempt to increase tolerance of those flippin’ Gingers, mojodojo boldly sets out to try to prove that they can actually be useful. Seriously.
We really are trying hard here, friends. And yet we face only resistance from you, our beloved Mojo Readership. Thus, this follow-up to our Official Ginger Policy, where we tried so hard to progress the cause of accepting those flippin’ terrible Gingers who face such persecution in society.
“How, mojodojo,” we hear you plead, all cynical and stuff, “can you possibly get us to accept them when they’re just so bloody… Ginger all the time?”
Well, we were stumped too, at first.
But then we put our heads together and came up with a few examples of situations in which having a Ginger handy can be genuinely useful. In fact, even lifesaving…
When Gingers are actually useful
Written by Gord Laws
1. In the event of a plane-crash at sea
Picture the scene: The plane goes down, wings all fiery. Children screaming, virginal religious types attempting to have very awkward, last-chance sex before it’s too late, general chaos etc. The plane smashes into the ocean. You lose consciousness. Then, hours later, you awaken, life-vest keeping you afloat. It’s a miracle! But, it’s out of the frying-pan and into fire (well, ocean, but you get the idea…), pretty much.
You paddle until you find a small group of fellow survivors, knowing that it’s only a matter of time before thirst and the elements get you, one by one. If only a passing plane could spot you. But then, you realise that one amongst you is a Ginger! Hooray! You’re saved! Being bright orange, they’re much easier to spot than regular people. And pilots have excellent eyesight. It’s only a matter of time now…
2. If you’re being attacked by a panther
It’s a well-known fact that panthers can’t see colour*. They rely on cunning, an acute sense of smell, speed and strength to catch their victims. Alone, you’re doomed. But, if you have a Ginger with you, survival is assured. Simply injure the Ginger, and the panther will immediately pounce upon your slower, freckly comrade. Panthers aren’t gluttons. They only kill what they’ll need to eat. You can even stay and watch if you like. Just sayin’…
Note: this will not work with sharks, as sharks can see colour and will thus not want to eat a Ginger. Obviously.
3. If you’re out on the pull
It’s a well-known, documented fact* that any non-Ginger, when in the proximity of a Ginger, is immediately at least 25% more attractive to the opposite sex, simply because of comparative social dynamics, and complicated pheromone science that we don’t fully understand.
Note though, that you must only be in the Ginger’s proximity, and not actually socially interact with the Ginger. Appearing to be friends with them immediately decreases your perceived social value by at least 30%, thus negating the entire process. Instead of making friends with one, we suggest you hire one out for the evening (there must be places that do that, surely?), and have them loiter near you. Just not too near you…
4. If you’re trying to follow-up an unexpectedly successful feature article
You launch a site, and excitedly put lank effort into well-researched, genuinely useful content. Then, blunted at 2am, you bang out a little piece about Gingers, just for laughs. Two weeks later, and your analytics are all looking good. But the piece that’s spiked the most traffic? Gingers! You can’t believe it. People really want to read about flippin’ Gingers? Curb your disbelief, friend, and capitalise! Write another one, and give them what they want. Actually, we should totally do that here at The Dojo, come to think of it…
5. When caught in harsh sunlight
For some reason, our Sun (aka Sol) has a weird preference for Gingers. It seems to prefer them, which is pretty unfair, we say. It loves them. It shines brighter upon them. Hotter. Harder. With greater concentration. Thus, it stands to reason that, by being near a Ginger, the afore-mentioned concentration will result in fewer harmful solar rays for you to absorb, and so a lesser chance of sunburn and, ultimately, cancer and death. Hang on… we see what you did there, Sol. Nice one.
6. If you’re really fat
Just doesn’t seem so bad when you’re with a Ginger. Seriously, one of Team Mojo has loads of experience in being really fat, and although he can’t explain it, he swears it’s true…
7. If you’re a white oke at a blues show
Many white people suffer from a deficit of soul. It’s part of the same problem the leads to a lack of jumping-prowess in basketball, and an inherent lack of rhythm. And never is the soul-deficit in white folk more overtly evident than when blues is being jammed nearby. Blues is to soul what China is to crowdedness.
But, if you have a Ginger handy, it’s unlikely that anyone will ever even notice. This is because (as everybody knows) Gingers do not have souls. Which is far more noticeable than having a shortage. Solved! Just don’t try to dance, and you’ll be fine.
So there you have it mojohomies. Stop being so damned mean to those flippin’ Gingers. Go out and make friends with one, even. Eventually you’ll see that our original Official Mojodojo Ginger Policy is way ahead of its time, and stop rejecting it because you are afraid of change.
Mojodojo: Fighting for equality and people-being-nice-to-other-people (and Gingers, too) since 2011
* erm, or so we’ve heard. Could be wrong on that one, though…
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