The worst date EVER, in the history of dating

Not too long ago a friend of the dojo, Hayley, went on what we describe as the best example of the most terrible date ever documented. We put her through the seven deadly questions and share her horror story with you – so that you don’t have to be that guy! Ever.

The worst date ever

"He growled in my ear. Who does that!?"

When it comes to dating, some people have a certain flair. Others just don’t. But it’s not the end of the world, we’re here to help you. You can start off by reading our Unofficial Rules of Dating – a surefire guide of what not to do when you’re trying to get in there.

But despite our best efforts, it seems there are (and always will be) dating douche-bags out there beyond our help. Our friend experienced one first hand and decided to share her intimate incident with, her fellow mojo-user.

Meet Hayley

So, tell us. What was the most recent lie you told, and to whom?

You’re making me think here. That’s got to be a bad sign. Probably a few minutes ago when someone asked me if I was hungry and I said no. I’m always hungry unless there’s something seriously wrong with me.

Name one thing you own that you’re embarrassed about?

Good God. Probably NSync’s ‘No strings attached’ cd. You know the one, with ‘Bye, bye, bye’, ‘No Strings attached’ and ‘It’s gonna be me on it.’ Is it sad that I know all the choreography too? Freak, I loved those boys, especially Justin Timberlake, even with his Goldilocks pot scourer hair. *Sigh*

Do you have any other musical guilty pleasures? (we know a bird who actually likes Justin Bieber)

Uh, if my previous answer doesn’t tell you then I don’t know. ha ha! Truth be told I have a really eclectic taste in music, from the really commercial stuff all the way to bands like Cake & Box Car Racer.

In general, it’s serious old school jams like stuff by the Outthere Bros or my all time favourite happy song ‘Walking on Sunshine’ by Katrina and the Waves. I also love me a sokkie treffer, yussie.

No! If you could kill any one person and get away with it, who would it be? Only hypothetically, of course. But you have to pick someone…

I’m going to risk the cliché and say it’d have to be Bob Mugabe… And it would have to be all ‘Wonder Woman’ style – stealthy, all the while looking amazing.

Sweet! What causes you the most severe outbursts of road rage, and when last did you flip out?

Probably someone cutting me off in traffic and not saying ‘Thank you’.

My last severe outburst, because I happen to have outbursts in traffic every other day, was yesterday. Traffic on the opposite side of the road was at a standstill and I was indicating to turn right. Some doos, in an old puke green coloured Mercedes – I’m talking cicra nineteen-voetsek here – wouldn’t allow enough space for me to turn between cars but the taxi in the lane next to him had. I edged closer, stared him down, and placed my hand on my hooter. I threw my hand up at him, cussed like a mofo and motioned a ‘piss-off’. No flipping of the bird, because I’m a lady like that. ha ha. The taxi driver waved and laughed – I think he was really proud!

What’s the dietary indulgence that you most often dig into, even though you know you shouldn’t?

Everything! I love food! I could eat for a living! But if I had to put it down to just one thing – I’m just like most other girls – CHOCOLATE. Anything chocolate. Be it a slab, milkshake, cake. If its chocolate, theres a 99% chance I’m polish it off!

What was the most regrettable fashion trend you ever fell victim to, and are their any photos out there?

Oh crisis. I like to think of myself as a somewhat fashionable specimen but good god I made some (w)horrendous fashion choices in my first year out of school – my first year of jolling. ‘Midrift fishnet stocking top’ says it all, doesn’t it? And yes there are photos, locked up somewhere never to see the light of day.

The worst date in history

We hear via Sasha & Kim on 5fm, that you recently went on what has now become known as “the worst date in history”. Ever. How about you tell us the story in your own words?

Ja, recently they mentioned my worst dating experience ever – or the ‘worst date in history’ as I like to call it – on their radio show. I do not deny, not even for one second, how hilarious this course of events will sound. I laugh looking back on it almost every day. Here’s the 411…

I’d met him,very briefly, through my younger (guy) cousin, while we were jolling it up at Clapham Gold just before Christmas.

Let’s call him FGPC. I’ll explain the acronym later….

That particular evening on the town was an abortion. I was out with colleagues and we were all in the festive spirit. I must have had 11 shots of tequila on my own, over and above the 2 Red Bull/Vodkas & the other stuff I’d thrown down the hatch. I didn’t remember much of him, just that he’d very-kindly helped me find my cousin so that said cousin could take me home.

The next day, while I suffered through what is quite possibly the worst hangover I’ve ever had, my little cousin messaged me to ask if he could give FGPC my number. Sure, I said, trying to be nice.

My cousin tried to sell him to me by telling me that he plays for a provincial cricket side, professionally.

Truth is I couldn’t remember his name, let alone what he looked like and could care less what he did for a living. He was forgettable – to say the least.

What followed was random banter between the two of us. Harmless I thought. Then he’d asked if I’d like to go to a movie. Little cuz urged me to go and told me to ‘go with the flow’ because I had nothing to lose. So I went to the movie. Good gosh how I wish I hadn’t.

It wasn’t completely terrible but then how well do you get to get to know someone during a movie? We parted with a kiss – it honestly felt like a Baracuda was attempting to decapitate me by sucking my face off. He also grabbed my tuchas so hard in both hands it felt as though he was going to rip it from my body. Over-eager much?

The next day he arrived at gym (my gym) with my cousin. I nearly plutzed. I’d never in my life seen this guy at gym and I spend enough time in the place to practically know everyone. Was this oke being serious & was just really into me? He attempted to train with me until I said: “I don’t mean to be rude but I don’t need someone stalking me around the gym. I actually really prefer training on my own.”

He got the (not-so-subtle) hint and did his own thing.

He continued to pitch up at gym for the next few days. He also asked me out to dinner. I obliged.

Part of me wanted to like him, part of me was just excited to have something to do while the whole of Jozi was jolling at the coast.

The dinner


Yes, the cheek!

‘F’ in FGPC stands for… Farter

We arrived at the restaurant, a favourite of mine, after we’d gymmed and freshened up. Five minutes after we sat down he slid back into his chair…and farted.

I have NEVER in my life. And even though it was accidental I couldn’t help but think ‘Seriously? Am I on Candid Camera?’ He apologised profusely. I honestly had no idea what to do, or say.

‘G’ in FGPC stands for… Growler

A few minutes after the fart incident he got up to go to the loo. He walked up, kissed me on the cheek and then growled (like a tiger) in my ear. WHO DOES THAT?!

I looked up at him and said: “Dude, you have got be kidding me? Did you really just growl in my ear? What the hell?!”. He nodded and walked off to the loo.

‘P’ in FGPC stands for… Pooh-er

Dinner coninued. I felt it would at least be polite to finish the meal and then go our seperate ways. The entire conversation was about how ‘kiff’ living in PE is and how ‘I bowl at 160kmh’. I cricket scored in high school. I know the game well, better than most. If you bowl at 160kmh chances, are out of 18 balls, you’ll only bowl at that pace for one ball and it will most likely be a ‘no-ball’.

Shortly after dessert, he again got up from the table, rubbed his stomach and proclaimed: “Excuse me. I have to go do a Number 2.”

I was completely awestruck. Did he really just announce that he was going to take dump?

After he’d been gone for 20 minutes (yes – I was dumb enough to wait around), I sent him a text saying I’d paid for my half of my bill and got up to leave. He sprinted out of the bathroom and said: “So am I following you to your place for coffee?”. I pushed my chair in and very softly said goodbye.

Before I’d even gotten home I’d received a text from him telling me what an amazing evening he’d had. Of course he did. He ate a good meal, spoke about himself, and took a shit all within a three hour period.

‘C’ in FGPC stands for… Clinger (Stage 5)

I had another message before I went to sleep.
And another when I woke up the following morning.
And another by lunchtime that afternoon.
You get where this is going.

I deleted his number.
And continued to get random sappy messages, from what I gather was him, for the next 3 weeks.

I saw him while I was out last week. I turned to the friend I was with and screamed “Run for the hills!”

Good riddance.

So now y’all know.

Don’t be that guy. Best you check out our Unofficial Rules of Dating. And don’t forget to follow Hayley, our friend and yours, on Twitter here.

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One Response to “The worst date EVER, in the history of dating”

  1. LVS February 25, 2011 at 13:07 #

    Wow……I’m gobsmacked! Granted, there’s nothing like taking a fantastically gratifying dump and announcing your intention to do so to your mates, but on a date? at the dinner table with someone you barely know…..uhh….nah!

    If you learn anything from this, dear Hayley, it should be not to go on any dates with anyone from PE….EVARRR! Stick to JHB boys, we may be assholes but at least we generally don’t growl in girl’s ears (I can quite comfortably say this because I have lived in both cities BTW)

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