Ten fabulous names to ensure your son grows up gay!


Expecting a boy-child soon? Congrats! Now, make certain your bundle grows up gay and fabulous with one of our ten tried-and-trusted, never-fail gay names!

gay baby

Before anyone throws a hissy, let’s make this clear: we have nothing against gay men, lesbians, androgynous rockstar types, or even those bizarre straight folk you run into from time to time.

In fact, we’re so fond of gay dudes (especially our gay readers – Scientifically proven to be the most fabulous of all gay men anywhere) that we’d quite like to see more of them.

That’s why we’ve identified this list of ten ultra-gay first-names that will 100% ensure gayness by the time your boy-child is able to sing along to show tunes…

The ten gayest names in the world!

While we await the results of our multi-billion-Rand scientific probe into whether or not it’s actually possible to raise a straight child with any one of these names listed below, we thought we’d let you get cracking on selecting the best gay name for your newborn homosexual.

Remember, there’s more to raising a gay son than merely selecting the right name. You need to mollycoddle him from the outset, be massively protective and controlling (if you’re the lucky mum, that is) and educate him on the intricasies of Broadway musicals, clothes-matching and the politics of fashion design.

In the meanwhile, you’ll need the best start possible. And choosing one of these garaunteed-gay first names is the perfect investment in your son’s gay future…

Good luck. Raise him fabulous!

10. Terrence

Terrance and Phillip

Hands up if you're the straight one!

Especially when you abbreviate it to “Terry.” Choosing the name Terrence is for the parent who prefers understatement. Your child will still have a chance at a mysterious bisexual vibe should you go with this gem.

9. Nigel

Okay, there are straight Nigels out there. But most of them go by “Nige.” And even then, it’s touch-and-go. Nigel is a very gay name. But also perfect for people growing up in conservative, less-accepting communities, who don’t want their child mercilessly picked on. Think of

this one as “gay lite.” Half the gayness; all the (fabulous, highly refined) taste!

8. Theodore

Theodore the chipmunk

"Ha-a-aaay!"

It’s no coincidence that Alvin’s gay brother proudly bore the name Theodore. Had he been called “Logan”, for example, the Chipmunks would have lacked flair, vibrato, and that theatrical punch in their choreography. And, who else would have consulted with Wardrobe on those fab, colour-coded outfits with the big letters on the front? Theodore, we salute you!

7. Manfred

It’s got both “Man,” and “Fred,” in it. We rest our case.

6. Percy

Percy Montgomerie

Percy Montgomerie: Sex on legs. Erm, with men, that is...

Coincidence that the Springboks’ famous Percy was always the player who paid the most attention to his hairdo? No, it is not. Gay men need sporting heroes too, you know. Handsome, ripped ones. With highlights. Percy, you are a legend and a champion. Respect.

5. Sydney

We know two Sydneys. Both of them dudes. Both of them brilliant chaps. And both of them gayer than a pile of strawberry flapjacks. Please note: the effectiveness of this very gay name is decreased if you abbreviate it it “Sid.” Sid can actually be quite butch and hetero. And we don’t want that, do we?

4. Errol

gay batman

Bruce Wayne's lesser-know younger brother, Errol.

A name so gay, we’re not sure anyone’s actually allowed to use it anymore. We sure don’t know any Errols. Maybe it’s been banned because it’s so gay, it actually robs a child of any choice in the matter of being gay or not?

3. Basil

basil leaves

Basil: If this herb had a different name, it would be less sweet. And it'd have thorns...

Basil (noun.)
i. Fragrant, arromatic, leafy herb, commonly used in pasta dishes.
ii. (Proper noun) Arguably the gayest first name known to Science.

2. Cyril

Even saying the word “Cyril” can, potentially, turn a straight person gay. Try it. Seriously. Say the word “Cyril” ten times, out loud. Then, go watch an episoide of Sex & the City and come tell us – looking us in the eyes – that you didn’t suddenly actually enjoy the show. Don’t worry, the effect should wear off in a day or two. Unless you’d like to remain gay (nothing wrong with that) in which case, repeat the exercise for seven consecutive days. It’s a pleasure!

1. Cecil

Cecil John Rhodes

Cecil John Rhodes: founder of Rhodesia. And, lesser-known state, Gaybabwe.

Without doubt, the single gayest name – actually the gayest word – in any language, ever spoken, anywhere in the universe. We actually advise against choosing this name for your gay son, as it really is just overkill. It takes the sport out of raising him gay. There is simply no need to go this far.

Give the kid a fighting chance. He may actually want to have to come out of the closet one day. On that note, if you do choose this name, bear in mind that your child will never even be able to even use a closet, let alone go into one…

Let us know which wonderfully gay names we’ve left out. And, whether you think we’ve properly ranked these fabulous names in ascending order of gayness. Let’s work together towards a super-gay generation, folks… 

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28 Responses to “Ten fabulous names to ensure your son grows up gay!”

  1. Cherylann January 24, 2012 at 10:30 #

    11. Norman :/

  2. Michelle January 24, 2012 at 10:33 #

    So funny! My poor dads name is cecil!

  3. Treepee January 24, 2012 at 11:06 #

    I know an Errol… and he’s FAB-ulous! :)

  4. Devin January 24, 2012 at 13:05 #

    12. Eldon

    • Gord Laws January 24, 2012 at 13:17 #

      Eldon? Really? Do you even get that name?

  5. Sharon Skye January 24, 2012 at 13:05 #

    Timora also sounds really gay to me. I have a friend who changed his name to Timora, and darling, he is fabulous.

    • Gord Laws January 24, 2012 at 13:17 #

      Is that even a name, though? It’s like calling yourself “Dangerfield.” Only, much more gay…

  6. Cherylann January 24, 2012 at 13:29 #

    Is Gaylord so gay it’s not gay?

    • Gord Laws January 24, 2012 at 13:42 #

      It’s totally gay. But no one is actually called that, let’s face it…

  7. Sharon Skye January 24, 2012 at 14:11 #

    Timora is a name :) It’s very popular in the fashion world.

    • Gord Laws January 24, 2012 at 14:20 #

      there’s a fashion world? You mean, they’re aliens? that explains everything!

  8. Sarah January 24, 2012 at 14:33 #

    Cecil Rhodes, although an incredible man, died single and childless. Coincidence… maybe.

    • Gord Laws January 24, 2012 at 14:36 #

      No coincidence at all. I mean, his name was Cecil…

  9. Thorsten von Boetticher January 24, 2012 at 17:36 #

    You missed Edward… Fun read :)

    • Gord Laws January 24, 2012 at 17:49 #

      Hey, one vampire does not make a legacy, bru. I suppose there’s that dude with the sharp fingers too…

  10. Jay January 24, 2012 at 17:40 #

    I think Jason is a pretty popular gay name to :-)

    • Gord Laws January 24, 2012 at 17:49 #

      Not nearly gay enough, homie. Try harder!

    • Stu January 27, 2012 at 11:07 #

      You never watch Transporter?

  11. Gord Laws January 24, 2012 at 17:50 #

    Notable ommisions: Barry, Elton.

  12. Theo January 24, 2012 at 17:50 #

    Glad to see my name featured, even if it was only eight!

    Go Cecil!!!

    • Gord Laws January 24, 2012 at 17:53 #

      You made the top ten, Theo. And that’s good enough for us! good job, friend!

      • Theo January 24, 2012 at 18:52 #

        I’m honoured!

  13. Peter van der Merwe January 24, 2012 at 20:34 #

    And Gordon and Dale are 100% straight names, right? Riiiiiiight ….

  14. Al January 24, 2012 at 20:36 #

    Neville?

  15. Paul February 19, 2012 at 22:20 #

    You forgot Justin Bieber, she princess of all the land

  16. watson December 17, 2012 at 09:44 #

    how about mine

  17. Julie January 3, 2013 at 22:16 #

    Tarquin

  18. mike February 25, 2013 at 01:23 #

    zachary

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