Ten fabulous names to ensure your son grows up gay!
Expecting a boy-child soon? Congrats! Now, make certain your bundle grows up gay and fabulous with one of our ten tried-and-trusted, never-fail gay names!
Before anyone throws a hissy, let’s make this clear: we have nothing against gay men, lesbians, androgynous rockstar types, or even those bizarre straight folk you run into from time to time.
In fact, we’re so fond of gay dudes (especially our gay readers – Scientifically proven to be the most fabulous of all gay men anywhere) that we’d quite like to see more of them.
That’s why we’ve identified this list of ten ultra-gay first-names that will 100% ensure gayness by the time your boy-child is able to sing along to show tunes…
The ten gayest names in the world!
While we await the results of our multi-billion-Rand scientific probe into whether or not it’s actually possible to raise a straight child with any one of these names listed below, we thought we’d let you get cracking on selecting the best gay name for your newborn homosexual.
Remember, there’s more to raising a gay son than merely selecting the right name. You need to mollycoddle him from the outset, be massively protective and controlling (if you’re the lucky mum, that is) and educate him on the intricasies of Broadway musicals, clothes-matching and the politics of fashion design.
In the meanwhile, you’ll need the best start possible. And choosing one of these garaunteed-gay first names is the perfect investment in your son’s gay future…
Good luck. Raise him fabulous!
Especially when you abbreviate it to “Terry.” Choosing the name Terrence is for the parent who prefers understatement. Your child will still have a chance at a mysterious bisexual vibe should you go with this gem.
Okay, there are straight Nigels out there. But most of them go by “Nige.” And even then, it’s touch-and-go. Nigel is a very gay name. But also perfect for people growing up in conservative, less-accepting communities, who don’t want their child mercilessly picked on. Think of
this one as “gay lite.” Half the gayness; all the (fabulous, highly refined) taste!
It’s no coincidence that Alvin’s gay brother proudly bore the name Theodore. Had he been called “Logan”, for example, the Chipmunks would have lacked flair, vibrato, and that theatrical punch in their choreography. And, who else would have consulted with Wardrobe on those fab, colour-coded outfits with the big letters on the front? Theodore, we salute you!
It’s got both “Man,” and “Fred,” in it. We rest our case.
Coincidence that the Springboks’ famous Percy was always the player who paid the most attention to his hairdo? No, it is not. Gay men need sporting heroes too, you know. Handsome, ripped ones. With highlights. Percy, you are a legend and a champion. Respect.
We know two Sydneys. Both of them dudes. Both of them brilliant chaps. And both of them gayer than a pile of strawberry flapjacks. Please note: the effectiveness of this very gay name is decreased if you abbreviate it it “Sid.” Sid can actually be quite butch and hetero. And we don’t want that, do we?
A name so gay, we’re not sure anyone’s actually allowed to use it anymore. We sure don’t know any Errols. Maybe it’s been banned because it’s so gay, it actually robs a child of any choice in the matter of being gay or not?
i. Fragrant, arromatic, leafy herb, commonly used in pasta dishes.
ii. (Proper noun) Arguably the gayest first name known to Science.
Even saying the word “Cyril” can, potentially, turn a straight person gay. Try it. Seriously. Say the word “Cyril” ten times, out loud. Then, go watch an episoide of Sex & the City and come tell us – looking us in the eyes – that you didn’t suddenly actually enjoy the show. Don’t worry, the effect should wear off in a day or two. Unless you’d like to remain gay (nothing wrong with that) in which case, repeat the exercise for seven consecutive days. It’s a pleasure!
Without doubt, the single gayest name – actually the gayest word – in any language, ever spoken, anywhere in the universe. We actually advise against choosing this name for your gay son, as it really is just overkill. It takes the sport out of raising him gay. There is simply no need to go this far.
Give the kid a fighting chance. He may actually want to have to come out of the closet one day. On that note, if you do choose this name, bear in mind that your child will never even be able to even use a closet, let alone go into one…
Let us know which wonderfully gay names we’ve left out. And, whether you think we’ve properly ranked these fabulous names in ascending order of gayness. Let’s work together towards a super-gay generation, folks…
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